Five Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy My Books

Do NOT buy books from this man!
I admit it. I’m a fraud, a phony. When it comes to being this author type of person, I’m by no means a Stephen King or James Patterson type, and that’s not good at all. Nope, it sure ain’t. I’m just making stuff up as I go along, and that might give people cause for alarm. I mean, me publishing seven books in three and a half years? What kind of monster am I to have such gall?

But in case the above intro doesn’t have you screaming, running, and abandoning your cities en masse, here are five reasons why you probably shouldn’t buy any of my books.

1. I write really weird crap like aliens impregnating men or people who suck out the souls of anyone who gazes into their eyes. It’s true. My Interstellar Dad series is all about the procreation and furthering of an alien race. It’s nothing like sparkly vampires or poorly written fan fiction that takes the premise of romance and warps it into something perverted and unrecognizable. And anything that doesn’t have a sparkly vampire is downright scary, even if it’s not a horror title.

2. A $2.99 e-book doesn’t last nearly as long as a $6.00 mocha. Sure, the e-book may remain in cloud storage on the Kindle. But honestly? If it’s not at the forefront of the e-reading device, it just gets buried in a pile of allegedly To Be Read Books, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, that mocha can last you through breakfast and maybe even lunch if you by some chance get pulled away from your drink. Plus you can sip on your mocha. You can’t sip on an e-book.

3. I’m not that great at marketing my own content. By no means am I a spammer. You may see a single tweet about my books about every 1 in 20 posts. And I’m not filling anyone’s message box with constant automatic messages about how they should click on one of my links (or better yet all of them at once). This does not bode well for my future relationship for other aspiring authors who might want to look to me for finding that magical formula of how to get people to buy their stuff. They’ll see that I’d rather just use social media for socializing, and that’s just misleading, not to mention a waste of everyone’s time.

You have the power!
4. I don’t write fan fiction. Back to the fan fiction matter from item #1. Since 2004 when that wonderful TV show Friends left the air, people have been needing more stories about their favorite coffee house hangout dwellers. I’m sorry to admit that I’ve neglected in feeding the frenzy, for which I must be punished. I just don’t know what goes into the characters someone else created. I only know my own creations, and my ignorance would really show were I to attempt fan fiction. Far better that someone else writes that stuff, even if it means people won’t buy my books as a result.

5. My idea of extreme sports is watching paint dry. Look. I’m not that knowledgeable about sports. I drive my dear author friend Sean Sweeney (whose books you should check out such as his Agent Snapshot series) utterly insane with my sports stupidity. He’s been trying to get me addicted to sports for quite some time. But I just crack jokes and look the other way, showing again my ignorance in matters of sports. My preference of watching paint dry on Youtube (yes, there actually are videos out there that cover the subject!) is bound to not sit well with the sporting crowd, and as a result my failure will surely show through. It doesn’t even matter that I made the main character of Optical Osmosis a basketball fan. Everyone knows that authors are not their characters, and I’ve gone and offended a fan base with my own ineptitude. If that’s not a deal breaker for someone buying my books, I don’t know what is.

So there you have it. Five reasons why you probably shouldn’t buy my books. You probably shouldn’t read any future blog posts from me either, as I’ve been known to bring everyone around me down. Hey, if I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna take a lot of people with me.

What are some reasons why you might not buy a book?


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